- lt's always the same dream.
l'm wandering, naked, in this strange maze of hallways,
and l feel this creeping sense of impending doom,
like something terrible is about to happen.
l pass my roommate, my mom,
my best friend, Stella, basically every significant person in my life,
and they're all just staring at me like l'm some kind of museum display behind glass.
Then l see two people l've never met before.:
a mysterious, unearthly, beautiful woman
and this red-haired girl.
And they both seem to be leading me deeper into the corridor.
This is when l notice the black door.
And l'm not sure why, but somehow l know that l've got to find out what's behind it.
So l grab hold of the knob, open the door, and discover...
a dumpster.
l've had this same bizarre fucking dream every night since l moved into the dorms last week.
So now l'm wide awake.
And being 1 8 and perpetually horny,
any time l have five idle minutes,
my right hand automatically takes over
like it's got a will of its own.
Sorry. l was trying to be quiet.
- lt's too hot to sleep anyway.
How was the party?
- Rad. [chuckles] l'm wasted.
- Nice.
- You should have come with, dude.
Everyone got crunked, took their clothes off, swam.
The water was so warm.
You mind if l sit?
Can l ask you something?
- Sure.
- You're, like, gay, right?
- Uh, l'm more... undeclared.
- What's it like, exactly? l mean, l imagine it's different from being with a girl.
- lt's way different.
lt's more...raw. Physical.
And because you're intimately familiar with the plumbing,
there's less mystery and guesswork.
Like, you know exactly what to do and how it feels.
- Do you, like, kiss and stuff?
- Of course.
- l've never...
you know, kissed another guy before.
- Well, it's pretty fucking awesome.
- Shh! My roommate.
- Plow me, stud! Plow me with your monstrous tool!
- So...yeah. l have an excruciatingly hot straight roommate.
- What's up? l'm Thor.
Like the comic. Yep.
- And his name really is Thor,
as in the superhero god of thunder with the giant hammer.
- l sleep naked. l hope that doesn't weird you out.
- lt's like perpetual torture.
- Plus, of course, he's a surfer, dumb as a box of rocks,
AKA, exactly my type.
So l'm like really into Gran Turismo 5.
And before that, l was into SOCOM.
And, oh, yeah, Kill Zone.
- l get with guys sometimes.
Sexually, l mean.
- And l also like to surf. Do you surf, dude?
- The guy sounds like a fucking ass-tard.
- My partner in crime, Stella.
Stella and l first met way back in ninth grade.
- l refuse to do this assignment
'cause you're a sexist loser who has no fucking clue what you're talking about.
And really, Smith? Another lurid ''in love with the oblivious straight boy'' fixation?
- That's just it. l'm not sure how straight Thor really is.
- You just said he was putting a load in some pinhead's dryer last night.
- Yeah, but doing it with women doesn't necessarily make him straight. Case in point.
- The fact that you randomly sometimes stick it in a girl
does not mean anything beyond you need to monitor your drinking.
- There's just things Thor does that make me wonder.
- Here we go.
- Okay, so he's your typical straight guy, right, when it comes to sloppiness and manners
and scratching his balls in public
or, like, eating half a piece of pizza off someone's coffee table.
However, he also does stuff like,
he wears deodorant every single day,
and he exfoliates every night, religiously, with one of those vibrating dermabrasion things.
Plus, he's a little too into his own body,
like, beyond a normal ''straight guy who works out admiring himself'' kind of way.
- Are we done? - No.
l saved the weirdest thing for last.
He wears flip-flops, like, almost every day, right? Very hetero, very dude choice.
Except for the fact that he has a whole collection of them,
which he keeps in a color-coordinated row in his closet.
- Well, next to putting a dick in your mouth with Lady Gaga playing in the background,
that's about as gay as it gets.
- See? l told you.
- Smith, l'm kidding.
This was all cute and fun when we were 1 5,
but we're legal adults now, in college.
Anyway, l got to get to class.
- Me too. Where are you headed?
- lmagination Theory.
l'm beginning to wonder if being an art major in the College of Creative Studies
is a little too hippy-dippy even for me.
- Gee, you think?
- Hey, dudes.
- The Messiah, our pothead R.A. who's ''baked Alaska'' literally 24/7.
- What's going on?
- We were just on our way to class.
- Oh, that's cool.
l had a really freaky dream last night.
- We'd love to hear all about it, but--
- Both of you were in it.
And the whole world blew up in a horrible nuclear catastrophe.
- Great. Thanks, Messiah. Bye-bye.
- Majoring in film studies is something l've wanted to do all my life,
even though it is a little anachronistic,
considering there's real doubt as to whether cinema as we know it will even exist anymore in the next few years.
lt's kind of like devoting your life to studying an animal that's on the verge of extinction.
- Smith, college is just an intermission between high school and the rest of your life.
lt's four years of having sex, making stupid mistakes, and experiencing stuff.
lt's a pit stop, not the Second Coming of the Messiah.
- Speaking of, that was sort of bizarre, what The Messiah was saying this morning.
- No kidding.
What's that guy's deal? He's got to be, like, 30 at least.
- Yeah, l've been having weird dreams lately too. [scoffs]
What do you think it means?
- lt's a well-known fact that dreams are just your brain taking a dump at the end of the day.
They don't mean anything.
- Yo, Smith!
Hey, dude.
- Let me guess.
- Thor. What's up?
- Thor, this is my best friend, Stella. Stella, Thor.
- Mind if l join? - Oh. No.
- Grazie.
So what's your major, Stella?
- Art.
- Oh, really? Cool.
- Yeah. Cool.
- Are you gay or whatever too? Or are you just, like, normal?
- Hey, Messiah.
- Smith. Got something for you.
- What is it?
- Someone slipped it under my door this morning.
What's it say?
[laughs] ''The Chosen Son''? What the crap is that supposed to mean?
- l have no idea.
- Oh, hey, dude.
- What are you doing?
- What's it look like l'm doing?
- Trying to suck your own dick?
- Bingo. l've been reading on the internet that if you do
these flexibility exercises twice a day, you'll be able to give yourself a blow job
in three weeks. l'll email you the link.
- That--that's okay. - You sure?
lt's a useful skill to have, you know, in case you hit a dry spell.
You ever taste your own come?
Not a whole load, mind you, but you know how if you shoot really hard
and some gets in your mouth by accident?
Mine's not bad, actually. Kind of vanilla-ish.
- Really, can we change the subject?
- Oh, bro, what's the deal with your friend?
- Who? Stella?
- Yeah, the uptight dyke.
Yeah, look, l know she can be a little aloof when you first meet her, but she's actually--
- Super hot, in a bitter, edgy lez kind of way.
You think l have any shot at hitting that?
- l just threw up a little in my mouth.
- l know.
Hello, l'm obsessed with you, and you're into my ''vagitarian'' best friend?
- lt's like l told you. The guy's a chode.
l've met plants with better personalities.
- And what do you make of him trying to blow himself this afternoon?
- He likes having his sword swallowed. Not exactly a revelation.
So anyways, the party tonight.
- [groans] - You're going.
Lorelei, this hot girl from my Emotion Painting class, invited me.
- Lorelei?
As in legendary siren luring helpless sailors to their doom?
- Yeah, l know.
But she's gorge, and l need a wingman, so you're drafted.
- So that you can hook up and ditch me after five seconds?
- Basically.
Nice hat, by the way. Are we in Paris? [cell phone ringing]
- Well, it's about time, asshole.
- l know. lt's been a while. l'm sorry. l've just been super busy.
- Don't worry about it, hon.
l only worked my ass off keeping a roof over your head for the past 1 8 years.
How's college life?
[phone beeps] Oh, shit, sweetie.
That's Australia on the other line. Can l ring you back in 1 5?
- l'm going to a party with Stella, actually. l'll just call you later this weekend or something.
- Sure you will.
- กำ When they come out to find you กำ
- There she is.
Lorelei! - กำ They cannot describe you กำ
- That's her?
- l know. Effing hot, right?
- กำ Friday is the fever กำ
- Smith, Lorelei. Lorelei, this is Smith.
- Have we met before?
- No.
- l'm sorry, l...
- Anyway, shall we hit the bar?
- Definitely.
- Are you gonna be okay?
- Yeah. Yeah, l'm fine.
- กำ Where there is กำ
กำ No weekend กำ
- กำ When they come out to find you กำ
กำ They can multiply you กำ
กำ Someone's been caught in the cross fire กำ
กำ Of your weekend กำ
กำ Friday is the teacher กำ
- กำ You are a new kind of creature กำ
กำ Perpetual weekend กำ
กำ On the wire in the morning กำ
กำ There's a city growing in my head กำ
กำ Oh, oh กำ
กำ Where there is กำ
กำ No weekend กำ
Just a minute.
Can you hold on?
- Can you hurry it up in there? l've got to piss like a banshee.
Hello! Are you giving birth to a Marine in there or what?
Finally.
What happened to your shoe?
- A drunk girl barfed on it.
Nice hat.
- Yeah. Same to you.
- London.
- l'm London.
- You don't expect me to shake that hand before you wash it.
- Sorry, gay dude.
- Excuse me?
- Well, you are, right?
- What?
- Gay.
- l don't really believe in standardized sexual pigeonholes.
- So you're bi?
- Not exactly.
- You do it with guys and girls, right? Depending on which way your peter points.
- lt's... kind of more...
Complicated.
- Life doesn't have to be so complicated. [echoing] Neither does sex.
Are you okay?
- Yeah, l'm...
What was the question again?
- Do you wanna fuck?
- What?
- Do you want to fuck?
l just so happen to find queer guys hot. lt's sort of my thing.
Dude, keep it simple.
You, me, intercourse? Yes, no?
Whatever. l'll drive.
Now what are you doing?
- What do you think?
- Maybe we should wait till we get back to your place?
- Why?
- lt's kind of dangerous. l mean, l am trying to drive here.
- l live for danger.
- Yeah?
Me too.
l'm gonna come. Don't do anything. Just let me do it all.
Did you come too?
- No, it's kind of hard for me to in that position.
But it was really cool watching you.
- Wait. You didn't come?
- Whatever. l'm good.
- What kind of guy are you?
lf l didn't just have your dick inside of me, l'd swear you didn't have one.
- l've got this kind of weird thing... where l'm really into making whoever l'm with come.
That really turns me on. - Well...
l happen to take pride in being scandalously great in bed,
so if you think you're going home without coming, forget it.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
- Oh, that feels so good.
Oh, God! Oh, God!
- Wait. Don't come yet. l want to show you something.
- What?
- Just lie back and relax.
- All right.
- Are you ready?
- Yeah.
You're not even touching me, but it's like l can feel your mouth on my...
- Cool, huh?
- How do you do that?
- l have special talents.
- What do you mean?
- Well...
Oh, fuck! Oh, fuck! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!
- That was so hot. l almost came again just watching you.
- Don't get any ideas, orgasm addict. l got to get some sleep.
What are you doing?
No offense, dude. Um...
l'm really not into the whole
sleepover/breakfast thing.
Here. Give me your number.
- Okay.
- So... See you?
- Yeah.
- Help! They're coming! They're coming to get me!
Please! We've got to get out of here! Come on!
No!
- Wow. Talk about a bad trip.
What kind of drugs were you on, anyway?
- That's just it. l'm not sure. God, it was just so vivid and real.
l must have blacked out or something because when l woke up-- l don't know how much later--
the animal masked men, the red-haired girl, they were nowhere to be found.
- Smith, you were hallucinating.
[sighs] l can't believe l let you drag me out of a very sexy dyke's bed for this.
- Well, that's the other thing. How do you explain me seeing Lorelei in a dream before l even met her?
- lt could be because there's more to Lorelei than meets the eye.
- What do you mean?
- She's a witch.
- A...what?
- She's a witch. You know, supernatural powers, casts spells.
l know. Pretty cool, huh?
- Dude, we've been searching all morning and found no footprints, no blood, zilch.
- l know.
- And now you want to spend the rest of the day poring over the entire student population in the campus directory?
- You got something better to do?
Sucking a fart out of a dead seagull's ass?
- Stel.
Stel!
- l'm awake. 1 00% awake.
- Come here.
- Are you sure that's her?
So what do we do now?
- Start calling every O'Hara in the phone book, l guess.
- And say what?
''Hi, l was tripping ballslast night,and you were in my dream''?
What are you doing here?
- l came to rescue you.
- Oh, my God, awesome. Smith?
- Go ahead. Bail.
Uh, hi. l was looking for a Madeleine O'Hara. ls there...
Okay. Sorry to bother you. Thank you.
Hello?
- What are you doing?
- Who is this?
- The girl you fucked last night.
- Oh. Hi. Sorry.
- l repeat. What are you doing?
- l was kind of in the middle of something right now.
- Well, l'm stressed about this exam l have on Monday, and l was thinking l could use a really good orgasm.
Ah, thanks. l needed that.
What?
- Nothing.
l just think you're...
cool.
- Yeah? Well, you're cool too.
- Now where are you going?
- l told you. l have a massive test Monday.
Can't believe l'm still here.
- So that's it? We both come, and you leave?
- Pretty much. ls there a problem?
- No. lt's just...
Even though we just met,
l feel this weirdly intense connection with you.
- l know. Me too.
- You sure you can't stay a little bit longer?
- ls that you or Smith Junior talking?
- Both.
- As much as l'd love to help the two of you out, l gots to study.
What's this?
- Last night after l left your place, l was walking out by the lagoon and...
What?
- l know her.
- What?
- Well, l don't ''know her'' know her. She was in my Sociology class.
She was always strung out, totally fucked up.
And last week, she passed out in the middle of a lecture.
- Then what happened?
- The paramedics came and took her away.
- Well, last night l had this insanely intense vision
of her getting murdered by three guys in animal masks.
- Did you say animal masks?
- Yeah. Why?
- Oh, sorry. Were you guys boning?
- l was just leaving.
l'll call you.
- Uh...hi.
- Uh, can you move your fat ass out of my way?
Thanks.
- l'm Thor, by the way.
- Yeah. l'm sure you are.
- Dude. Who was that?
- Wow, l think that broke my all-time record.
- You're tired already?
- We've been going at it for five hours.
l mean, l love sex as much as anyone else,
but if l come any more tonight, my cooch is gonna break.
- But l want to make love again.
- You're kidding, right?
What are you, some kind of insatiable sex maniac?
- Yes.
- [sighs] Too bad. l'm beat.
- Buzz kill.
What was that?
- What? What are you talking about?
- l felt that, Lorelei. l know what you're doing, and it's not fu--
- Hello?
- Smith, what are you doing?
- Walking home from the library. Why? What's wrong?
- You got to rescue me. lt turns out Lorelei is a little bit crazy as a shit-house rat.
- l told you there was something scary about her.
Look, l'm gonna make up an excuse about you having some kind of crisis. Then l'll meet you back at your place.
- Stella, what? What's going on?
- Shh. Hold on.
- Stella? Stella, are you there?
- l'm just peeing.
- What's taking so long? l miss you.
- Be out in a sec.
l got to go.
- Wait, Stel--
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit!
Help! Somebody help!
- Smith? What's wrong?
- The door.
lt was stuck.
- Are you all right, man?
- Yeah. l'm fine.
Who's there?
- The Queen of fucking England. Who do you think? - Fuck.
Get in.
- What the f--
- Just come here. Quick. - What? - Look.
- Yeah, that's a beautiful parking lot, Smith.
- They were just down there.
- Who? What are you talking about?
- The animal masked men.
- You mean the ones you hallucinated?
- l'm not hallucinating now.
l think that something really fucking freaky is going on.
- Oh, sorry. Were you two...
- Ugh. - Gross. No. You must be Smith's new girlfriend. - Huh?
- She's kidding.
Uh, Madeleine O'Hara, the red-haired girl,
London says she was in her Sociology class and then went missing about a week ago.
- Well, that's why l came by. She may have turned up.
- What do you mean?
- ls Oceanography that building past Madigan Hall,
way out on the west side of campus, right by the lagoon?
- London, what's going on?
- lt could just be a coincidence. But l was studying tonight in the library,
and there on the floor, l saw this.
- Days passed.
l searched the news religiously, but there was no word on the body in the dumpster.
l started to wonder if maybe l really was losing my mind.
To clear my head,
l went to this nude beach a few miles from campus.
l'd never been to one before in my life,
so one morning before class, l checked it out.
l got to say, it was a little nerve-racking but kind of liberating.
Lying there, with the sun and the breeze, the smell of the ocean,
all my worries, all the weird shit going on, everything melted away.
But then...
- How's it going?
- Hi.
- Mind if l join you?
Hunter.
- Smith.
- You come here often?
- Uh, it's my first time.
- l didn't think l'd seen you around.
So... You in school?
- Yeah. Are you?
- Fuck no. l build and design hot tubs.
- Oh, really?
Wait! Ah, ah, ah!
- What?
Do you, like, do this a lot?
- What do you mean?
- Uh... This.
- No.
- Oh, hey, dude!
- Hey, what's going on?
- Just teaching this fag a lesson.
- Yeah, who's teaching who, huh, fag?
- Oh, Smith, this is my best bud, Rex. Rex, Smith. - What's up, man?
- Well, listen,
l was just gonna grab a shower.
- All right, hey, man, if you want, you should try some of that awesome new conditioner l just got.
lt's the one on my shelf with the French-sounding name.
- Dude, listen to yourself! You sound like a huge fucking fag!
- Okay, fag. That's it! l'm kicking your giant homo ass!
Huh? Who's the fag now? Huh? Huh?
- You are, Faggy McFagstein!
- What's that? Fagburger with a side of fag fries?
- Yeah, l'm just... l'm just gonna...
- You meet some guy on a nude beach,
and five minutes later, you're downloading his hard drive in the back of a van?
You're a slut.
- Really?
So did you dump Lorelei yet?
- l'm trying to pull away, but she's not exactly making it easy.
- You're not inviting me in?
- l'm kind of tired, and l have a super early class tomorrow.
- ls something wrong?
- No. l'm just tired.
- Aren't you going to kiss me good night?
- Um...sure.
Well, good night.
- Stella.
l love you.
- Yeah. Me too.
l know l have to end it,
but my experience with psychopaths like her is, you have to ease away very gradually.
- Well, the sooner, the better, before she pulls something really nutty.
- l told you. Nothing's wrong. l just got to finish this project.
- You're not avoiding me, are you?
- Of course not.
- lf you're lying, that would make me very upset.
- l'm not lying, babe.
Look, l need to get back to work. l'll call you tomorrow, all right?
- What time tomorrow?
- After class.
- l'll be counting the minutes.
- Okay.
- l love you.
- Me too. Night.
- Hi, Smith.
l hope you don't think this is too creepy stalker of me,
but l'm too much of a social retard to walk up and say hi like a normal person. ln case you're wondering,
l got your email
from Explosions ln The Sky's Facebook page.
So at least we have that much in common.
Anyways, l was wondering if you want to maybe get together, have coffee or something.
lf not, then...
have a great life, l guess.
Okay, l'm gonna stop now before l chicken out and toss this in the trash.
Yeah, l'm Oliver, by the way.
Okay. Bye.
- Hello, Oliver.
- So l've been meaning to ask.
The other day, when l mentioned the animal mask guys,
you seemed kind of weirded out.
- Seems appropriate. lt's a weird story.
ls it your mom?
- How did you...
- Your face.
- My mom's okay. She did the best she could,
raising me on her own and working full-time.
- What about your dad?
- He died in a car accident when l was a baby.
- l'm sorry.
- l never knew him, so it's kind of like l don't even have a father.
- l don't see my dad either. He was an alcoholic,
abandoned us when l was little.
- Guess we have more in common than we thought.
- What are you looking at now?
- lt's just my roommate's friend.
- Smith's got a crush.
- l do not have a crush.
- You're hot for him, like you're hot for that shaved ape roommate of yours.
- No, it's just, when l walked in,
they were both rolling around on the floor, wrestling in their underwear.
- Straight guys are gayer than gay guys.
The fact that they're in love and can't suck each other's dicks
makes them act queerer than Clay Aiken.
- What--what-- what are you doing?
- l'm inviting him over. - What?
- Chillax. l'm just having some fun.
Here he comes.
- Rex, this is my friend London. London, Rex.
- You looked lonesome. Want some company?
- Sure. Thanks.
- We were just talking about sex.
- [laughs] She's kidding.
- So, Rex, you ever heard of the Kinsey Scale? - Huh?
- lt's a rating system for sexual orientation,
with 0 being totally hetero and 6, 1 00% gay.
Smith here is probably a 3 or a 4,
while l'm more like a 1 .5.
- Why don't we talk about something else?
- Kinsey discovered that only to 5% to 1 0% of the population are a 6 or a 0.
What do you think your number is?
- 0, l guess.
- Boring.
You wanna fuck, anyway?
- Are you out of your fucking mind?
- Dude, don't worry. l'll give you the 41 1 after.
- Okay.
- Excuse me?
- Let's have sex.
Just with you, though, right?
- Oh! - Oh, yeah! That's it!
Don't stop! You're doing great!
Oh, yeah! Yeah!
- Are you joking?
- Sorry.
- l've had pelvic exams that last longer than that.
- lt's just-- you felt so good.
- What are you? 1 4?
- l'll be hard again in a few,
and it lasts way longer the second time around, l swear.
- Oh, joy.
- ln the meantime, l'll eat your pussy or something.
- This just keeps getting better and better, doesn't it?
- Come on. Let me make it up to you.
Come on.
Yeah, that's it, baby. l just want to make you feel good.
What the hell is going on down there?
- What?
- What do you think you're doing?
- Eating you out.
- Dude, it's a vagina, not a bowl of spaghetti.
- l don't know what your fucking problem is, but l've gone down on lots of girls
and never had any complaints.
- Ever hear of faking it to spare your fragile male ego?
Look, you want a few constructive pointers?
- l don't need any pointers.
- Trust. You so do.
Now, you know what a clit is, right?
- Yeah, l know what a clit is.
- Think of it as a little girl dick and treat it accordingly.
lmagine what your dick likes.
Kiss it, tease it with your tongue,
suck it, even nibble it a little,
just make sure to regard it with the utmost care and respect.
Which brings us to the number one golden rule of oral:
pay attention to how she's reacting.
lf she seems into something, keep doing that same thing over and over and over.
lt's about finding a rhythm she likes and sticking to it until the job is done.
- Got it.
- You ready for the practical?
- So ready.
- Well, get busy, sir.
- Hey. - So are we hooking up or what?
- Excuse me?
- l thought maybe you'd want to have sex so you could do Rex via the transitive property.
lf A fucks B and B fucks C, it's like A fucks C by default.
- Uh, as appealing as you make that sound, l'll pass.
- You're not curious?
- About?
- What Rex is like in bed?
- l just came by to pick up some stuff.
- ls everything all right?
- Yeah. Totally.
Well, late. - See you.
- What was that about? - l don't know. Got me.
- What is it? - l set a Google Alert
for any news about the dead girl in the dumpster.
- Did they finally identify her?
- Maybe. [computer beeps]
- What?
- lt's gone.
- What's gone?
- The torso. Someone stole it from the coroner's office.
Today's the day, my 1 9th birthday.
My morning starts out like any other,
but very quickly weirdness takes over.
- And now what begins?
- Hell if l know. lt's just freaking me out, 'cause the minute l woke up,
l was overwhelmed with this vague sense that some sort of major shift has occurred.
- Well, l did finally break up with Lorelei this morning.
- Oh, yeah? How did that go?
- Yikes. Then what happened?
- This isn't over, Stella. You have no fucking idea what you're getting yourself into.
- So are you worried?
- Does Mel Gibson hate Jews?
Anyway, let's change the subject. Any word yet from what's-his-name, Oswald?
- Oliver. No.
l spent literally hours honing my reply
till it was a masterpiece of ''definitely interested but not too desperate'' drollness.
- How long has it been?
- Three days.
Yeah, l know. [sighs]
- So don't forget, we're seeing HELEN STELLaR tonight over in Ocean City.
- That's right. [squishing noise]
Oh. Fuck me. Man.
- Smith!
What happened?
- Smith stepped in dog shit. And it's his birthday.
- Happy fucking birthday.
- Could this day get any worse? [cell phone ringing]
Hello?
- Smith?
- Hi. Who is this?
- Hunter.
- Hunter from the beach.
- Oh! Hi. Sorry. l didn't recognize your voice.
- That's okay. l was just playing back in my mind the good time we had.
l started getting a chub just thinking about it.
So l'm sure you have an important class or something to go to.
- l'm totally free all afternoon.
- Sweet. Want to come down?
- l'm on my way.
- Shit. Just a second! - Fuck yes. - Oh, yeah!
- Damn it. Hold on.
- Dude, you don't have to hide your porn. l'm not your mom.
- What do you mean?
- Like, you think the unmistakable sound of gay porn doesn't penetrate these walls?
[moaning resumes] - Yeah, all right, biatch.You made your point.
- So l gather your tawdry hook-up at the beach was a bust?
- His cell rang right as he was going down on me. And...
- lt's my wife.
- You're married?
- Yeah. l thought l told you.
Got to run. We'll take care of this guy later.
- Can you believe it?
- Since it's you, yes.
Anyway, happy birthday, monkey spanker.
- What's this? You already got me the HELEN STELLaR tickets.
- [sighs] Shut up and open it already. - [chuckles]
Oh, my God. How--how did you--
- l contacted them through their website, and they autographed it for me.
- This is so awesome. Thank you.
Hello?
- What are you doing right now?
- Uh, just talking to Stella.
- Can you meet me in my room in 20 minutes? l have a birthday surprise for you.
- London, this is making me a little uncomfortable.
- Do you want your surprise, or do you want to complain?
- l'm not complaining.
l really appreciate the effort, but...
London?
London, come on. This isn't funny.
Chill pill. l'm right here.
- Will you please take the blindfold off?
Seriously, l--l've had enough fun for--
- Happy birthday.
- Secret blissful day
Keeps the rain away
Sunrise on the shore
Warm waves crash and flow
The moon through the sunroof glows
A place no one else knows
Our secrets keep us close
- Oh, my God, so epic.
- l know. l'm not gonna be able to hear for a week.
- l must admit, after a shaky start, this may just be the best birthday ever.
- Smith? l thought that was you.
- Hey. lt's Oliver.
- Well, l'm just gonna...
- Uh-huh, l'll meet you back at the car.
- So... l just wanted to say,
eat shit and kill yourself.
- Hey, what the fuck is that? You're--you're pissed at me?
- Just next time someone puts their balls on the line like that,
at least be man enough to respond.
- l did respond!
l sent you an email that was so long and overbaked, l thought it scared you off.
- Dude, l'm already over it. You don't have to lie.
- l'm not lying. l did want to go out with you. l still do.
- Are you fucking with me now?
- No.
Just let me take you to dinner, and l'll prove it. Here, so we don't have to rely on email,
just give me your number, and l'll give you mine.
l have a huge paper due Friday,
but that night, l'm totally open.
- Me too.
- Cool. So...it's a date.
- You aren't gonna flake again, are you?
- l'm calling you no matter what, even if the world ends.
- Okay. Well...
l better get back to my friends. They're probably wondering what happened to me. - Right.
- See you.
- So should l call him?
- What?
- Should l give Oliver a call? Just to say, you know, ''Hi, nice running in to you.''
- Good idea. Let him know you're a need-ball freak right off the bat.
- Really?
- Smith, the universe is finally smiling on you, and everything is going your way.
Don't fuck it up.
- Yeah, all right. Okay.
Will you pull over at the next off-ramp? l have to pee like a pregnant woman.
Hello?
- l'm sorry. l-l didn't mean to.
Are you all right?
- Yeah.
l-l must have just dozed off.
- Do you remember me?
l think we've met before, at a party.
- l've never seen you before in my life.
- You barfed on my shoe.
Later that night, l saw three men in animal masks.
- l don't know what you're talking about.
- Are you sure?
- Look. l told you.
l don't know anything. Please, l got... l got to go.
- Madeleine?
- Madeleine O'Hara.
What do you know about the animal mask men?
You've got to tell me.
- l had a twin sister named Rebecca.
And when we were little,
men in animal masks came and took her away.
- Dude, you already Googled Rebecca O'Hara on your Blackberry and got a million hits of nothing.
Deal with it tomorrow.
You're right. Let's just try and enjoy whatever's left of my birthday.
- So how does it feel to be 1 9?
Now what is it?
- Nothing. l'm just tired.
So any more crazy messages from Lorelei?
- Well, they seem to have died down for now, so that's promising.
Who knows? Maybe l was overreacting.
l mean, l know hell hath no fury and all,
but could be she's not as bonkers as we thought.
- Stella, what's wrong?
l don't know. Do you think maybe l'm being too much of a wimp?
- Dude, you have a Fatal Attraction stalker with supernatural powers. You got every right to be creeped out.
- Yeah, okay. Sold.
- l'm even gonna give you the bed, lady.
- Want an Ambien?
- No. Thank you. After the day we've had, l don't think l'll have any trouble falling asleep.
- Me either, but l want to be so knocked out l won't have any more gnarly nightmares.
So where's Bore tonight?
- He disappears sometimes for a few days.
l assume he's off somewhere burying his bone in some--
- Smith, come on. That's not funny.
Smith, l'm not kidding. Cut it out.
Smith. What the fuck? You're freaking me out. Stop it.
- [in Lorelei's voice] lt's not Smith.
- Smith, stop fucking around.
- Stella, l told you. lt's not Smith.
l warned you, Stella.
l warned you not to do this.
- Fuck you, Lorelei.
This isn't real. lt's not really happening.
- Oh, it's happening all right.
Believe me, it's happening.
- l'm dreaming. l must be dreaming.
Wake up. Wake up. Come on! Wake up! Wake up!
- Lorelei! l know you're out there!
Stop hiding and show your fucking face, you fucking coward!
Fuck you, you crazy bitch! Do you hear me? Fuck you! Fuck you!
Holy fucking shit.
- Smith? - [gasps]
- Why are you...
- l was up all night. l didn't sleep at all.
- Smith, what's going on?
- l woke up in the middle of the night, and l...
l found this lM telling me to go to this address.
Have you ever heard of The New Order?
- The seminal new wave band from the '80s?
- No. Here, l'll show you.
lt's, like, this secret underground cult.
- What?
- Well, the address, it's not in my browser history.
- Are you sure you weren't just having some kind of sugar-induced nightmare?
- Stella, l'm not making this up.
lt's gone. All of it. The site. The lMs.
Stella, l'm not crazy. l was on this site.
lt had a list of all these ostracized members.
Number one on the list was...
Her name was Rebecca Novak.
Rebecca. That's the name of the red-haired girl's twin.
- So why does she have a different last name?
- l don't know. Maybe she was adopted or something.
Anyway, the Rebecca girl, she had this whole litany of transgressions:
blasphemy, sedition, treason. And her penance...
was death.
And there's something else, even weirder.
- What?
- On the website, they had a photo of the cult's leader,
like the L. Ron Hubbard of the whole thing,
The Supreme One, and it looked like...
my dad.
- What the fuck are you talking about? Your dad is dead.
- l found this in the trash when l was little. l've always kept it a secret.
The guy on the website, that's him. l know it.
- Oh, Milo, it hurts so good.
- Tight session. You were really in the zone today.
- l had a lot of tension to work out.
- l could tell. So is there anything else l could do for you?
- Well, for starters, you can get out of those fucking clothes.
- Now what?
- Oh, l've got a few ideas.
And they're absolutely filthy.
Oh, oh. Hold on.
- Smith, l'm in the middle of a meeting. Can l call you right back?
- lt's kind of important. lt's about Dad.
- What about him?
- l just had a couple questions. - All right.
- He died when l was a baby, right?
- Yeah, in a car accident. You know all of this already. What's going on?
- Mom, l just have to know. ls there anything you're not telling me?
- No, there's not.
This chapter of our life has been closed for a long time.
- What was Dad's last name? Did he go by any other aliases?
- Smith! Look, l'm hanging up now, okay?
Stop asking questions about your father, for your own good.
- Mom, wait.
London?
My dad's alive?
- He got his PhD in psychology.
His research focused on an obscure commune of hippies devoted to this book.
- An ldeal For Living.
- Your father spent years studying the techniques the leaders used to control the group.
Then in the early '90s, he took the cult over for himself.
- How do you know all this?
- My father wasn't an alcoholic. He was in the cult too.
Ever since l can remember, my dad would disappear.
Then one night, when l was around ten...
l never saw him again.
- And what does all this have to do with me?
- You're the firstborn male child of The Supreme One,
The Chosen Son.
- What about you? Did you know who l was all this time?
So that night we met, at the party...
- l was following you, but only because l was hoping you might be able to lead me to my father.
But our friendship, everything that's happened since then,
none of that was planned.
You do believe me, don't you?
- l'm not sure what l believe anymore.
Messiah.
- The end... The end...
The end is near.
- Hello?
- So you're saying her body just vanished into thin air?
- lt was the freakiest fucking thing. One minute l'm checking her for a pulse,
and she seems dead, cold as stone.
So l run out to grab my cell to call 91 1 , and by the time l got back--
l swear, it was, like, ten seconds later-- she's gone.
l know it sounds nuttier than squirrel shit.
- Well... Strange seems to be the new normal lately.
- What about Messiah? Did the doctors say he was just tripping or what?
- His pupils were like big black suns. They're running a bunch of tests.
- Hello? - Smith?
- Mom? What is it? What's wrong?
- l need you to drop whatever you're doing and come home immediately.
- What? What are you talking about?
- l can't say anything more. They're probably listening to us right now.
- Who's listening?
Mom, are--are you in some kind of danger? Maybe you should call the police.
- No. No. No police. They can't be trusted. They're part of it.
Look, no more questions, okay? Just get in your car and come home.
Smith, l'm not kidding. Do it. Now!
- Smith, don't worry. l'm sure your mom will explain everything when we get there.
- Yeah.
lt's just, l can't stop thinking about what The Messiah said.
- You mean all that ''end is near'' shit?
- Stella, l have the exact same feeling,
and it keeps getting progressively more and more intense.
Like, what if this really is the beginning
of the end?
- Smith? Where are you?
- Me and Stella are driving to L.A. for the night.
Actually, it's a family emergency.
- ls everything okay?
- Hope so. What's going on?
- Well, l just called the hospital. The Messiah's gone.
- What? How could someone who's barely even conscious just up and disappear?
- Nobody knows what happened to him. But that's not the only thing.
- What?
- The results of his toxicology report came back.
They discovered traces of dioxin in his bloodstream.
- Dioxin? You mean like that Russian spy dude?
- Yeah. The Messiah was poisoned.
- Are you sure you're gonna be all right?
lt's just, l don't know how my mom's gonna react, and it might be kind of touchy family stuff.
- Dude, don't worry about me. Just call or text whenever the coast is clear.
- Thanks, Stel, for everything.
- Smith, everything's gonna be fine.
- Mom?
Hello?
- Smith! Are you all right?
Come on. Let's get out of here.
- Wait.
- Smith, hurry up! What are you doing? What is it?
- Hello? - London?
- Smith, l was just about to call you.
There's something really weird going on.
- What do you mean?
- All the highest ranking members of The New Order seem to be heading out of town,
like some mass migration.
- We're heading back now.
Listen, l have something major to tell you.
l think my mom's been kidnapped.
- What?
- She's missing, and we found her Blackberry,
and there's all this information on it.
- What kind of information?
- A bunch of incriminating documents about my dad and The New Order.
lt's so much huger than just some sick little cult. lt's, like, this whole secret society
and infiltrating media, government. Even the police are involved.
But, look, that's not all. My dad had dozens of wives.
Like, he basically slept with anyone in the cult he wanted.
As a result, he has all these illegitimate children.
London, he's your biological father, and you're my half sister.
London? London, are you still there?
- l'm here, Smith.
Look, you just need to get back here as soon as--
- London?
London, what's going on? What's happening?
- [screaming] Smith, help me!
- London! London!
London?
London, open up!
Fuck!
- This always works on my room. - What?
- First The Messiah and my mom, now London.
Stella, we're fucking next.
- What are you gonna do?
- We got to get out of here.
Just pack some stuff in a bag, and l'll meet you in your room in, like, five minutes.
- What? - Stella, just do it!
Five minutes. Hurry. And watch your back!
Mom? What happened? Who did this to you?
- What are you waiting for? We don't have all night.
- Blow me, fag. Who made you queen for a day?
- Dudes, seriously. This is no time for dicking around.
- Smith? Smith?
[gasps] Messiah? Jesus, you gave me a freaking heart attack.
- Stella, there's no time to explain.
Where's Smith? - l--l think he's been kidnapped.
- Fuck.
- Messiah, what the shit is going on?
- Come with me. l'll explain on the way.
- On the way where? What are you talking about?
- Stella, we may already be too late. Just come on.
- Welcome back, dude.
- What?
What is this?
- Finally. The Chosen Son awakes.
- Would someone please tell me what the fuck is happening?
- lt's Day Zero.
- What the hell is Day Zero?
- lt's New Order code speak for the day the world ends.
- Dude, l'm sure you've heard it before, but you need to cut way back on your weed intake.
- As a matter of fact, l never touch the stuff.
The stoner thing was just a front.
l'm actually part of a covert guerrilla operation called The Resistance.
- And it's our mission to wipe out The New Order once and for all.
- Oliver?
So let me get this straight.
You guys are both ex-members of The New Order who are now, like, spies trying to destroy it?
- ln grossly simplified terms, yes.
My girlfriend, Rebecca, was also in the movement.
- Rebecca Novak? The red-haired girl?
She's your girlfriend?
- She was. Before she was murdered.
- The cult performs secret initiations involving underage girls who are either abducted
or donated by their fucked-up parents.
Rebecca was working undercover, videotaping the rituals for the FBl.
- Smith saw that video. lt was on a USB drive he said got stolen.
- We suspect Thor and Rex were responsible for that.
- Thor? And Rex?
- So all three of you have been spying on me this whole time?
- Dude, you're The Chosen Son.
We have to monitor and report your every move.
Hers too.
And where-- where are you taking us now?
- Go ahead. Tell him.
- Tell me what?
- We're taking you to meet your father.
- Where are they, Oliver? Can you see them?
- Yeah, l got them. They're heading east on l-1 0.
- You're some kind of witch too? Like Lorelei?
- The New Order tests all its members' offspring for The Gift,
a certain type of brain activity indicating a predisposition for paranormal ability.
Subjects displaying a high level of this marker
are inducted into a program of intensive psychotropic treatment to cultivate those skills.
- And that's what happened to you? And Lorelei?
- Some come out of the program severely damaged
with a laundry list of personality disorders.
Others don't make it at all.
- Smith's gift is exceptionally strong.
- Smith has psychic powers too?
- They're just dormant, like seeds that haven't germinated.
But now that he's turned 1 9, it looks like The Prophecy is coming true.
- What's The Prophecy?
- lt's based on a recurring dream of your father's.
- That The Chosen Son will return to the fold in his 1 9th year.
- And the world as we know it will be destroyed in a nuclear holocaust.
- You're shitting me.
- The New Order has warheads strategically planted in every major city in the world.
- World War lll can be started with the push of a button.
- But won't they obliterate themselves in the process?
- The cult has a massive underground lair called the Secret Sanctum,
specially designed to survive a nuclear disaster.
- So after the great apocalypse...
- The New Order will be all that's left.
- When The Prophecy transpires, you inherit the kingdom.
You're gonna be, like, the prince of the new fucking world!
- Well, if that's true, then why am l tied up?
And why do London and my mom have their mouths taped?
- Sorry, man. We're just following orders.
Though, l guess now that we're out in the middle of nowhere, it's probably okay to let them get some air.
What do you guys think?
- Yeah. Why not?
But if either of them mouth off, l reserve the right to plug their face hole
with my cock. Ha!
- Don't worry. l'll do it nice and slow,
so it won't hurt.
- Thanks, ass-hat.
- No problemo.
- Grab her, you fucking douche!
- l'm trying!
- Look. ls that them?
- That van belongs to a Level 4 Knight assigned to Smith, so yes.
- Well, then, what the Jesus are you waiting for? Floor it.
- Bitch! You're getting it now!
- What the fuck's wrong with you pussies? esus!
She's a fucking girl!
Dude, come on! Get her!
- What the f--
- Pull over!
- Kiss my puckered starfish, homo!
- กำ See you at the bitter end กำ
- What are you doing? - Hang on!
- Are you fucking kidding? You couldn't have picked a smoother road?
- Dude, what the hell?
- Shut your hole!
- Look out!
- กำ Since we're feeling so anesthetized กำ
กำ ln our comfort zone กำ
กำ Reminds me of the second time กำ
กำ That l followed you home กำ
กำ You shower me with lullabies กำ
กำ As you're walking away กำ
กำ Reminds me that it's killing time กำ
กำ On this fateful day กำ
กำ See you at the bitter end กำ
กำ Every time we're intercepted กำ
กำ Feels more like suicide กำ
กำ Slow and sad, dumb and silent กำ
กำ Arise and be mine กำ
กำ Love has seen your runaround กำ
กำ Wanna see you now? กำ
กำ l want peace กำ
กำ And l want out กำ
กำ See you at the bitter end กำ
กำ Love's reached inside กำ
กำ Grab this gentleness inside กำ
กำ Heard a cry, six feet down กำ
กำ See you at the bitter end กำ